I Demand a Do-Over! Twlight Edition

Can we all agree on something here: the Twilight movies are total crap. The books were fun and addictive and are a total guilty pleasure of mine. I KNOW that these aren't "smart people" books, but I love them. Just like I KNOW cake pops are not "health food" but I love those too. This list could get long, so I'll just leave it at that.

I think the biggest problems with the Twilight movies are Catherine Hardwick and the casting. Maybe blaming Catherine Hardwick is too harsh, Melissa Rosenberg is responsible for a fair share of the steaming pile of shite that we saw on the big screen, too. But ultimately, the cast is where it falls apart. An indy, artsy-fartsy director taking the helm of blockbuster with a staunch feminist trying to write traditional family roles are both bad choices, but the bad choices for the characters are even worse.

I DEMAND A DO OVER! OK, so I know this will never be done again, but I wish they had picked different actors. So, I am going to pick the people who SHOULD have been picked the first time around.

Let's peruse the casting choices, and make some better ones, shall we?

First on the chopping block: Kristen Stewart. Ugh. I remember when she was announced, and a very dear friend of mine raved "Perfect!" and I thought in the back of my head, "Uh... she looks like she has a total 'tude, and I just don't see Bella as the rock n roll indie chick... but I'll withhold judgment." No, really, I thought that. OK, I can't ever withhold judgment, you all know me too well. I judged and I judged hard. And guess what? I was right. So there. Instead of Miss Mopes a Lot who thinks wearing designer clothes is just too damn hard:

I always pictured somebody softer, more lovable. Like Danielle Panabaker.

Edward. Edward. Edward. Argh. There was honestly no way to really get this right. I mean the guy is supposed to be inhumanly beautiful with yellow eyes, pale skin, red lips and bruise like shadows under his eyes. First, an inhumanly beautiful creature has to be portrayed by a human. Sorry. Strike one. Then, the rest of that? It all works in my head but in reality, you get this hot mess:

I know, with all the doofy pictures and idiotic interviews, we forget that Robert Pattinson really is a handsome young man:

But, he's sooooo skinny, and soooooo doofy, that it's really difficult to fall in love with him the way we should. I think this kid: Alex Pettyfer would have been a better choice. There's a lot of fan demand for him to play not only Peeta from the Hunger Games but Jace from the Mortal Instruments as well. He could have rounded out the YA-trifecta of hotness.

After being cast in Twilight, Robert Pattinson was told to start exercising; he needed a six pack by the time they started filming. However, because Summit was a low-budget film maker, they did not provide him with a trainer, and he did it on his own. So instead of bulking up as he was supposed to do, he lost weight and got too skinny. Alex Pettyfer wouldn't have that problem, look:

That would come in handy on the Island of Esme, am I right? ;)

Carlisle Cullen is supposed to look like Zeus' younger, better looking brother. Peter Facinelli, while a fairly handsome man, does not fit this bill. Two words: Paul. Walker.

Jasper. Ah, Jasper. This is unfortunate, because I just think this guy is a really bad actor. The accent comes and goes. He often sounds like he is chewing his tongue while he talks. And the hair.

Whose freaking idea was that? Ugh. No. Is it really weird that I wish it had been Chace Crawford instead? He looks dangerous.

Rosalie is supposed to be the most beautiful, perfect creature on the planet. She is the porcelain doll, the pale, blond, violet eyed vision of perfection. She's voluptuous and statuesque. Petite, dark and bubbly Nikki Reed does not quite match up:

She's very pretty. But, she is supposed to be pale before she became a vampire and then become the ice-queen kind of pale. For them to make Nikki Reed's skin that pale they had to paint her, and unfortunately, this beautiful young woman ends up looking ridiculous when all is said and done.

I wish it had been Estella Warren instead.

Or, if you think she's too old, at least Scarlett Johansson. 

Alice is the teeniest, tiniest, pixie like, perky and lovable little gal you ever saw. She's supposed to be almost child-like in her size, proportions and movements. She's graceful and lithe (the the literal interpretation of her grace- the "dance" steps was painful) Don't get me wrong, Ashley Greene is beautiful. But, she's taller than Rosalie, and the filmmakers did a terrible job disguising it. If possible, they made her look even taller.

Too bad Audrey Hepburn is dead. Is that not OK to say? Anyway.

Since that's not a viable option, does anybody know if Shawn Johnson did a good job on The Secret Life of the American Teenager? Because she is a-dor-a-ble! So bubbly and cute and teeny weeny!

Esme, Charlie, Jessica and Emmet were all perfect. I have no beef with any of them.

Please post your ideas in the comments- whether you agree with me or not!

Breaking Dawn

If you are not among the vampiricaly obsessed, you might want to skip this post, as it is all about Breaking Dawn casting announcements. This is a celebratory post of sorts here on fantasy casting, because Breaking Dawn was actually the first fantasy cast I ever put together. I recently dusted it off and re-posted it, and now I will be comparing my choices to the choices made by the actual casting directors.

Here we go!

For Irina, I chose Ashley Jensen:

Maggie Grace was actually cast:

 Busty blond gal from an ABC television series? Check and check. (Maggie Grace is from LOST, and Ashely Jensen is from Ugly Betty)

For Eleazar, I chose Luke Wilson:

Christian Camargo was actually cast:

Tall, brunette guys. AND- they are exactly the same age. HA! No, I'm not kidding, they're about two months apart. So much for my picks being too old *snicker*

Renesmee is being played by Mackenzie Foy. I made NO guesses about this for a lot of reasons. 1) this child is supposed to be between 0-3 months old during the film. 2) She is supposed to look like she is 1-5 years old. 3) She is supposed to have all sorts of freaky features: full set of teeth at birth, ability to walk at the age of one week, stuff like that. I will reserve judgment, but a part of me is very skeptical at the casting of a 10 year old in this part. Unless they go Gollum style and just do motion capture for everything.

For Tanya, I chose Rachel McAdams:

MyAnna Buring has actually been cast:

OK. So, young, blond, pretty. Kind of generic, but not really that close.

For Carmen, I picked Sofia Vergara:

They actually cast Mia Maestro:

Both are South American born actresses in their 30s. Eh, close-ish.

And for Kate, I picked Kristen Bell:

They picked Casey LaBow:

OK, so call me crazy, but I think there is something in Casey LaBow that looks a bunch like Kristen Bell. Now, remember, Kristen Bell has been in the Hollywood limelight for about 6 years. That's 6 years of stylists, photographers, makeovers and photoshopping. Casey LaBow? About 4 days. She's a little... underwhelming here, and this is about the only shot of her circulating the web right now. Give her a few more months and the high-price Twilight publicity team will have her looking like a Kristen Bell ringer in no time. Mark my words.

So, not bad, right? Given all the people in all the world to choose from, I think I didn't do half bad. What do you all think?

Please post your ideas in the comments- whether you agree with me or not!